Rupert the Rabbit was ill at ease. He had a feeling that something was not quite right but he couldn't put his finger on it. Partly, of course, because he didn't actually have any fingers, being a rabbit, but mainly because it was just something nagging at him - that feeling at the back of your mind that something is not quite right. You know what it's like. Hard to sleep at night and nervous and on edge.
Then one day he was down by the M6 eating his lunch of grass followed by more grass with an extra topping of grass when suddenly he saw something in the slow lane. It looked like a pizza but on closer inspection he realised it was actually a squashed hedgehog. Then in a blinding flash he realised what was wrong. He was actually a hedgehog trapped in the wrong body!
He hopped slowly back to his burrow to think things over. He made himself a cup of tea and settled back to reflect on the matter. A couple of days later he was ready. He fired up his laptop and announced on Twatter, Farcebook and ClapTrap that henceforth he was a hedgehog and was to be addressed as Harry the Hedgehog.
A lot of people posted mocking and negative posts but they were met with a blizzard of abuse from the Transhog Community. Screaming rants. Death threats. The whole nine yards. The doubters soon shut up in the face of these attacks from the Transhog Community and before long it became official Government policy (in Scotland anyway) that a rabbit could become a hedgehog and really was a hedgehog. But the doubt remained.
Meanwhile Harry was getting hungry so he emerged slowly from his burrow and started eating the grass. One of the bolder rabbits dared to address him.
"Morning Harry!"
"Morning Fluffy" said Harry and carried on eating the grass
"I thought" said Fluffy "that hedgehogs ate beetles, earwigs, caterpillars, earthworms, slugs and millipedes not grass."
Fluffy had been on Wikipedia to clue up on hedgehogs - he wanted to be properly prepared for the debate.
"I am eating beetles, earwigs, caterpillars, earthworms, slugs and millipedes" said Harry "You fucking blind or stupid or what?"
"Sorry" said Fluffy and the debate was over
Fluffy reported back to the rest of the rabbits and they were all mystified but did not want any death threats so they all kept quiet. Well, you would, wouldn't you. I mean, who needs death threats? Then one day Freddy the Fox showed up and all the rabbits ran for it apart from Harry of course. I mean, he was a hedgehog with spikes so why run?
"Oh" said Freddy "Good morning Harry. I must say it is a pleasure to meet you face to face"
"You too" said Harry
"So what's it like? Living as a hedgehog, I mean?"
"I am NOT living as a hedgehog I am an actual hedgehog" said Harry "how dare you abuse me like that"
"Oh!" said Freddy "I am most dreadfully sorry. That was terribly insensitive of me. Maybe I should go on a special course to learn how to manage
my relationships with the Transhog Community?"
"Yes" said Harry "the sooner the better. It's people like you who cause all the trouble in the world"
"I really am sorry" said Freddy "will you forgive me?"
"Possibly" said Harry
"Well" said Freddy "why don't we have some fun? I could pretend to attack you and you curl up into a ball and I will get a mouthful of
spikes and everybody who hears about it will laugh their heads off. Hilarious or what?"
By now a crowd had gathered and they all started cheering
"Yes" they all shouted "try to eat him, Freddy"
Harry curled up into a ball but it did not seem to help and Freddy bit him in half
Freddy sat there munching one of the halves - he had decided to have the other half later. The crowd were hushed, their eyes on stalks.
"This is my first hedgehog" said Freddy "and I must say it tastes amazingly like rabbit. I mean, who knew?"
Freddy did not realise it at the time but he had just eaten the entire Transhog Community and they were never heard from again*
* Technically, he had only actually eaten one half of the Transhog Community because he was saving the other half for later.
Bob Cory
Modified on 11/08/2023 at 11:52:43 by ℗ Bob Cory