I am proud to have been born in the Glorious Workers Paradise of Uzprikistank known as GULP in our language. I am also proud of the fact that I have never left the country! If you live in paradise why would you wish to leave? Give me a good reason comrade - in writing please so that the Committee of Counter Revolution can consider the matter carefully.
The poor souls who exist under the heel of the Western Imperialists live miserable lives. Only yesterday I read that in the USA they have only one bicycle per ten people whereas in GULP every person over the age of ten has a bicycle. Or at least the promise of a bicycle when our glorious ten year economic plan reaches its climax in five years time.
And as for Yaks, we win hands down. In Western Europe they only have a few thousand yaks whereas in GULP there are millions of them. I mean, how can you drag your cart out of a big hole in the road unless you have a team of yaks? Not to mention fresh warm milk whenever you want it? And leather to make your tent?
Another reason I have never left the country is that it is ringed with landmines and automatic guns - just like in East Germany. They are there to stop the hordes of desperate starving people in the West who are trying to come into GULP in order to improve their standard of living. Of course, it also means that if you try to leave the country you will be killed but that is a small price to pay to stop us being swamped by starving Westerners.
That may sound harsh but if we let them in we know that most of them will be CIA spies intent on undermining our glorious leader who works 18 hours a day fighting off the Yankee Imperialiasts. Fortunately, he is protected by a band of young female soldiers who ensure that he is safe and his every need is catered for - just like President Gadaffi of Lybia.
There have been rumours that every night he makes them strip naked and they dance for him but that is just a vicious rumour. What actually happened was that he was checking that none of them were spies carrying weapons concealed in their private places. A sensible precaution.
So now you have a picture of our glorious country let me tell you a little about my life and that of my comrades.
I am now forty years old and I live with my wife and child in a tent which is fitting reward for my onerous responsibilities in the Ministry of Production. We only have one child because of the "one child policy" as in our glorious neighbour, the People's Republic of China.
Not only do we have our own tent we also have exclusive bathroom facilities in a group of trees behind the tent. We dig a fresh hole every week.
Most of my time at work is spent stopping people destroying our economy - specifically, the actions of greedy, self centered people who try and enrich themslves by exploiting the working people.
To take just one example. It was reported to me that a woman was selling goods to people who were on their way to work. It seems that she and her husband had reared chickens and grown fresh vegtables on a plot of land, which like all land belongs to the state. They had then turned these illegal items into chicken soup and sandwiches and had the audacity to actually sell them in exchange for worker's tokens.
They have both been sent for retraining in the salt mines - just like in the USSR. They were lucky not to have been shot. The chickens have all been destroyed and the land has been sprayed with salt to stop anybody else growing fresh vegtables on state land.
The other problem I fight constantly is ambitious people who try and destroy the jobs of the workers. Let me give you a specific example. The national shirt factory employs fifty thousand women who make shirts by hand. It takes them each a week to make a shirt as they have to spin the thread and then weave if by hand and attach the buttons made from yak hooves.
The waiting list for a shirt is only five years so what is the problem? Who needs more than one shirt? But a young woman had the nerve to suggest that if we built machines that spun and wove cloth we could produce ten times as many shirts with only 5,000 workers! Ludicrous! What would the 45,000 workers do who have been replaced by machines? And like I said, who needs more than one shirt? And somebody else suggested that we dye the shirts different colours! Why would you do that? What is wrong with a grey shirt?
And shoes! Nobody needs shoes - they make your feet sore and use valuable resources.
These are the battles I fight every day. I would write more but right now I need to attend an execution squad - a group of workers are being shot for economic sabotage. They broke into the local zoo to eat the animals - just like happened in the Glorious Workers Republic of Venezuala. Can you imagine?
I will write more when I am able - the state paper mill is currently out of action because of the activity of CIA saboteurs so I have nothing to write on.
Bob Cory
Modified on 11/08/2023 at 13:57:49 by ℗ Bob Cory